Clue
by Lthien Arnatuil
Summary: Spoof of the movie "Clue" with the Lord of the Rings characters. Expect insanity and chaos. R/R please.
1. Of Mad Elven Lords, Hose, and Stuff

Clue by Cassandra AKA Lúthien Arnatuilë  
It was Game Night at The Last Homely House and many Elves, dwarves, hobbits, and Men had been invited.  
  
Legolas, tall and fair Elf prince of Mirkwood, walked up the bush lined path to the House. Aragorn son of Arathorn who rarely bathed came next, followed by Boromir (who is not dead because I said so) son of the deceased Lord Denethor of Gondor (who *is* dead because I said) so. Next came Frodo Baggins of the Shire, Tosser of the One Ring, Samwise Gamgee, loyal servant of Frodo, Peregrin Took, Meriadoc Brundybuck, Gimli son of Gloin, a Dwarf, and last but not least the old fool, Mithrandir, Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, the White Rider, Gandalf Stormcrow, or Olórin. He is most commonly known as "Gandalf the Grey" or just "Gandalf".   
O-okay...maybe it's only eight people instead of "many"...   
  
As they neared the House, Legolas suddenly made a sharp turn and landed behind some bushes. He quickly grabbed Aragorn's arm as the King walked past and hauled him behind the bushes as well.   
  
The others tried their best to calmly pass, but in vain, snickering, as Aragorn fell in the mud, ruining his lavender tunic.  
  
"Oh," he moaned, "Arwen is going to kill me!"  
  
"Quick," hissed Legolas, a look of panic on his face. "Is this a pimple?" He pointed to a spot on his face.  
Aragorn sighed and shook his head. "Nope. It's only a bug."  
  
Legolas squealed and slapped himself in the face. "Get it off, get it off!" he screamed.  
"Oh, now it's in your hair," said Aragorn looking at the small black creature in Legolas' long blonde hair.   
Legolas squealed like a girl again and raked his fingers through his hair.   
  
All of a sudden there was a long brown staff hitting Legolas on the head. Legolas screamed as a long wrinkly old hand hauled him out of the bushes. "Fool of a Greenleaf!" shouted Gandalf. "It is Game Night and you are going to make me miss the bingo prizes! Now get to your feet and WALK!"  
  
Legolas whimpered in fear and quickly scurried into the House.  
  
"WELCOME!" Elrond screamed at them once they had all entered (after Elrond had made them leave their weapons by the front door, and all save, Gandalf, who made some dumb excuse about "being old" and Elrond bought it, and Aragorn, who just plain out fussed and whined, put their weapons by the front door).   
  
Elrond slammed the door and stood with his hands clasped, an eager look on his face. "Isn't this going to be FUN?" Before anyone could answer he suddenly opened the door again. "Oh, no..." he gasped. He slammed the door again and then, for no apparent reason, threw his body against it as if something of great evil was trying to enter.   
  
A soft knock came at the door followed by a female voice, "Um, Lord Elrond?"  
  
Elrond gasped and pushed against the door, his feet, which had panty hose on them, sliding back on the marble floor, and making it harder for him to stand up.   
  
"Lord Elrond, I would really like my hose back now," said the voice.  
"Never," hissed Elrond.  
The voice behind the door sighed.  
After a few moments Elrond opened the door again. Sighing in relief after seeing no one there, he closed the door and...slipped and fell flat on his face.  
  
"Hey, anyone know why Elrond is wearing hose?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Fool of a...a..." started Gandalf, but since Boromir's last name had never been mentioned he had to trail off.  
  
"It is because hose make me ski quickly across the pretty marble floors," said Elrond who had appeared behind them, scaring the bajeebers out of them. "Thank you *so* much, Aragorn!" he yelled, slapping a hand on the greasy King's elbow, then pulling back in disgust as Aragorn's hair touched it.   
  
"What...what are you talking about?" asked a bewildered Aragorn.  
"I'm talking about you marrying my daughter!"   
"But I thought that you didn't want--"  
"Nonsense! That's behind me now..."  
"Huh?"  
"Oh, don't act like a fool, Aragorn; I'm a free Elf again! Elrohir and Elladan let me do whatever I want! Arwen never let me ski around in my hosies," said Elrond, raising a foot to show Aragorn and wiggling his toes at the King. He gazed fondly at the hose covered foot then put it back on the ground so he didn't fall.  
"She was always saying that I would most likely break my back or my hip because I wasn't 700 years old anymore." The Elf Lord's lip jutted out in a pout. "Can you believe the nerve some people have?"  
  
All was silent, as the Elrond stared at them, expectantly.  
  
"Positively tater-fying!" shouted Sam suddenly.   
  
The others nodded in agreement, Elrond smiling madly and jumping up and down on one foot until he finally fell, then they sat down at the table that been placed in the middle of the hall.  
  
"Tonight," shouted Elrond (after he had gotten back up again) as he skied around the table, "we are going to play Clue!" He grabbed the Clue game that was laying on the floor (I really don't know why...) and threw it on the table.  
  
Pippin picked it up and read the side of it. "Three to six players," he read slowly because he was a little bit challenged. "Oh, no! There are only six pawns, but there are ten players! Whatever shall we do?"  
"Fool of a Took," yelled Gandalf, hitting the hobbit on the head with his staff.  
  
"He is correct!" gasped Elrond. "We must IMPROVISE! Alright. I take myself out, for I would much rather SKI! Sam, loyal servant of Frodo, you will help Frodo on the quest to find out whodunit! Pippin, Merry, you will be one character! Now, that takes care of five people. Who does *not* want to play?"  
  
Boromir slowly raised his hand. "I don't like sharp and/or pointy objects," he said, looking at the edges of the board nervously.   
  
"Alright!" yelled Elrond. He tripped and landed flat on his face...again. As will he many times in this story. "Vere er nowf sist poefle playig!" he said to the floor.  
  
"What?" asked Aragorn.  
  
Elrond stood up and dusted himself off. "There are now six people playing," he said again. "Now! Pick your pawns!"  
  
Merry and Pippin chose Miss Scarlet because they thought that she was very pretty, Sam and Frodo chose Colonel Mustard, Gandalf chose Mrs. White because he said that she looked stunning in the maid's outfit, Aragorn chose Mr. Green, Gimli chose Mrs. Peacock just to do it in spite of Legolas, and Legolas got stuck with Professor Plum.  
(It was all a flurry of movements that left Elrond and Legolas staring bewildered for a moment. It seemed that the hobbits--minus Pippin--knew how to play this game, as did Aragorn and Gimli. Gandalf had already looked at the box and decided what he wanted,   
  
"This isn't fair!" whined Legolas. Mr. Plum was a moronic ugly fool. Or so thought Legolas...and me for that matter. Mr. Plum was nothing like dashing, handsome, flawless, teeth that twinkle when he smiles Legolas. Yes, that was who Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, was. Or so thought Legolas...not me for that matter. I just write. Okay...he's *kinda* cute...in a pretty, frolicking in daisies sort of way...nah. He's just cool.   
  
Legolas grabbed the Mr. Green pawn and stared at it longingly. "Aragorn?" he said innocently.   
"No," answered Aragorn, taking his pawn back.   
  
Legolas sighed and watched Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin fight a war with their pawns.   
  
"Ba-BOOM!" boomed Pippin. "I, the mighty warrior lady of the...um...Apple-people, will smite thee down, death worthy traitor!"  
"Apple-people?" asked Frodo skeptically.  
"Well, she's red..."  
"Why is Colonel Mustard death worthy?"  
"Uh...because?"  
"Fine. Sam and I are the leaders of the Mustard-people and Colonel Mustard is our Colonel."  
  
Sam nodded and took a pad of "Detective Papers" and set the yellow pawn on it and started making machine gun noises. "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!" he shouted, startling the rest of the company. "SHOOOM!" He "shoomed" the "plane" over Merry's head then quickly made it dive down toward Miss Scarlet. The red pawn was knocked off the table and landed on the floor directly in front of the skiing Elrond.   
  
Elrond tripped over the pawn somehow and landed on his knees. Now skiing on his knees (his pretty silk dress, er, robes acted the way hose did on the marble floors) at a great speed, he was hurtled into Gimli's chair. Gimli and Elrond were now skiing across the floor, Gimli screaming at the top of his lungs and Elrond squealing in joy and excitement. "Weeeeee!"  
  
They eventually stopped, some ten feet away. Gimli, who was breathing heavily, was holding onto the chair arms so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.  
  
"Chant with me," he was muttering. "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out. Barbies are pretty and wear long, pink, frilly dresses, dinosaurs don't wear anything because their behinds are so big. Breath in, breath out."  
  
"That is a very odd chant, remarked Elrond, gazing up at the Dwarf in wonder. "What are dino-saurs?"  
"Very large reptiles. Though some scientists believe that they were warm-blooded mammals."  
"Oh. Can they SKI?!?!" With that, Elrond jumped up and started skiing again.   
  
"Hey Legolas," said Elrond as he whizzed past the distressed Elf who was devising a devious sinister plan to take one of the others' pawns and use it as his own   
  
"Guess--" Elrond whizzed past again. "--what! I--" to the left "--made--" to the right "--a pretty--" the left   
"--poem about--" the right "--mud--" the left into a chair "and dirt!"  
  
"Fascinating," sighed Legolas, crumpling up a piece of paper which had "Drop anchor on Aragorn's head and steal pawn" and a little sketch of two stick figures. One was rubbing his head that had flies buzzing about and there was an anchor laying beside him, the other had long hair, lines coming out of him, showing that he was wonderful, a giant pawn in its hands, and an evil, yet dashingly handsome look on his face.   
  
"I'll tell you it! Ready? Okay!" Elrond stopped skiing for a moment and stood up straight, both hands behind his back. He cleared his throat and then, with a solemn expression, started, "Peanuts by Elrond Peredhil," he said. "Mud, mud, glorious mud, I like to smell it because I am a spud. Dirt, dirt, glorious dirt, I like to eat it because I like to squirt! Dirt, dirt, oh, wonderful dirt, why in the world is your weakness a shampoo called Pert? Mud, mud, oh, wonderful mud, why in the world is your weakness a bubbly, good-smelling, water-filled tub? Why, oh, why, Dirt, must you always ruin my shirt? Why, oh, why, Mud, must you always make my bootsies look like crud? Oh, and I like peanuts, but not peoples' butts. The end." Elrond lost his solemn expression and started jumping up and down in his spot. "Well? Didja like it? Didja, didja, didja? HUH?"  
  
"Do you think mud is sticky enough to keep everyone present stuck to it long enough for me to steal their pawns?" asked Legolas. "Oh, and is my hair straight? Got to keep up the image you know."  
  
Elrond's face fell and he sighed. "Bloobie," he muttered. Then his face brightened. "BLOOBIE!" He shouted at Legolas, startling the Elf and making him run off the piece of paper with his pencil. "You're a BLOOBIE! Bloobie, bloobie, bloobie! Legolas is a bloobie!" chanted Elrond, resuming his skiing.  
  
"Shut-up," Legolas muttered.   
  
"Bloobie, bloobie, bloobie!"  
  
"Shut-UP!"  
  
"Blo-o-o-o-o-o-bie!"  
  
"SHUT-UP!"  
  
"Aw, look! Prince Legolas has lost cool! It's probably because he's...a...BLOOBIE! HA HA HA HA HA!"  
  
"Aragorn, please," pleaded Legolas, giving Aragorn a pained expression. "Make him stop!"  
  
"Leave me alone, you dramatic Elf!"  
  
"You're a bloobie."  
"Shut-up."  
"Bloobie."  
"Shut-up."  
"Bloobie."  
"Shut-up."  
"Bloo-"  
  
"You are very pretty."  
  
Aragorn, Elrond, Legolas, and Gimli (who had rowed himself back to the table with a lamp because he thought the floor was a giant ocean and he was a Viking...sad, isn't it?) turned to look at Gandalf who was talking to the Clue box. Actually, to Mrs. White on the box. "To bad you're a Mrs.," he sighed.   
  
"BOOM!!!!!!" shouted Merry, bringing the Ms. Scarlet pawn down hard on the line of yellow pebbles that were the Mustard-people. "ATTACK THE ENEMY! ATTACK THE ENEMY!"  
  
"You traitorous wretch!" yelled Frodo, hurtling a yellow stone at the line of red stones called the Apple-people.  
  
"Hey!" yelled Elrond. "That is *my* line! Where is my darling Fly? And that stupid pig, Babe? The one now known as my son? Oh, what an embarrassment!"  
  
"Dodge this!" shouted Pippin, hurtling one of the red stones at the yellow stones.   
  
"That is not your line either! Mr. Anderson, why do you carry out the trash for the landlady? What are the codes for Zion? Tell me, Mr. Anderson or I will blow up into little tiny bite-size pieces! AHHH!"  
  
"OH, SHARP AND/OR POINTY OBJECTS ARE ATTACKING ME!" howled Boromir. He was in a fetal position in a corner, staring wide-eyed at a fork that one of the Elves had dropped earlier.  
  
"When can we start?" asked Gimli. "For on the morrow I shall sail! I, Gimli Van-Hysensmitherbob the Red, am the bestest Viking to ever sail the seven seas! Plunderin' and stealin' is how I bring home the bacon to me darlin' wife, Mary-Sue! She be the purtyest women in all of de world!"  
  
"...It looks like he's got a bit of Viking, retard farmer, pirate, and...uh...dumb idiot in that act," said Legolas to Aragorn. Both were staring at Gimli with fear as the Dwarf practiced his "ar"s with squinty eyes.  
  
"When can we start?" sighed Gandalf.  
  
"We can start NOW!" screamed Elrond right in Legolas' and Aragorn's ears. "BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL BLOOBIES! HA HA HA HA HA HA!  
  
"Shut-UP!" shouted Aragorn and Legolas simultaneously. Elrond ginned madly and laughed loudly in each of their faces.  
  
Aragorn and Legolas shoved him over, laughing when they heard his distressed cry. "Oh! My hosies! They're...they're...they're RIPPED!"  
  
DUN DUN DUNNN!  
Will they ever start their game of Clue? Will Legolas get a different pawn? Will Boromir ever get over his phobia of sharp and/or pointy objects? Will Elrond ever stop calling Legolas a bloobie? Who will be the victor in the battle between the Apple-people and the Mustard-people? What will happen to Elrond's ripped hose? DUN DUN DUNNN!! Tune in next time to find out!  
  
Disclaimer: Professor J.R.R Tolkien owns the Lord of the Rings and its characters. Larry and Andy Wachowski own the Matrix and I really don't know who owns Babe and the shampoo Pert. Parker Brothers own Clue. 


	2. Of The Beginning of the Game and the Rea...

Legolas sighed and patted a bawling Elrond, who was sitting on the floor cross-legged and rocking back and forth, on the back. "There, there," he grumbled. "Stop crying. I'll buy you new...hosies...."  
Elrond, much to the relief of them all, stopped crying and looked up at Legolas gratefully.  
  
"Thank God," Aragorn muttered.  
  
"Since you stupidly ruined the pair you have on, you big, fat cry-baby moron," finished Legolas.   
  
Elrond stood up and stuck his tongue out at Legolas. He blew a raspberry at the blonde-haired Elf then ran away to sit down next to Boromir.  
  
"Legolas, you moron," sighed Aragorn. "When will you learn to shut your face?"  
  
Legolas wiped the spit of his face then leaned back in his chair, with a distressed expression. "Do you think this will ruin my hair?" he asked Gimli.  
  
"Fool of a Greenleaf!" shouted Gandalf before Gimli could reply. "Of course it ruins your hair! Spit is 100% hair-messing-upish! Especially the Lord Elrond's! Why do you think I never sit by the spluttering fool at secret councils? Shut your face, you fool of a Took!" yelled Gandalf at the frightened hobbit that was sitting next to him (because Elrond, being the retarded fool that he was, assigned the seats in this order: himself at the head, Aragorn to his left, Legolas to his right, Gimli to the left of Legolas, Boromir (who was now sitting fearfully back in his seat) to the left of Gimli, Sam to the left Boromir and to the right of Frodo (who sat at the end), Merry to the left of Frodo, Pippin to the left of Merry, and Gandalf to the left of Pippin and to the right of Aragorn. (There's a picture at the bottom) )  
"But I didn't---" started Pippin.  
Gandalf held up his cane/walking stick/ staff/ tree branch and zapped the poor, mentally challenged hobbit. "Fool of a Took!"   
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"We only have one person left, Mr. Frodo!" said Sam, horror-stricken. "And it's Colonel Mustard..."  
Pippin and Merry shared a devious smile then looked at their own people.   
"Oi!" shouted Pippin. "We only have one person left, too!"  
"Who is it?" asked Frodo.  
"It's Bob," sighed Merry. "The lamebrain."  
"...What happened to Ms. Scarlet?"  
"She blew up in a terrible explosion."  
"...Well wouldn't that make us the victors?"  
"Oh, you didn't blow her up, Pippin did. He threw a grenade in the toilet while she was putting her makeup on."  
Frodo and Sam stared at the hobbits that led the Apple-people.  
"Eh...yes then..."  
  
Meanwhile...again...   
  
"Yeah, stupid Elf," said Gimli, resuming the conversation with Legolas that had never really started. "I know much about gross things such as saliva."  
"Sure you do," Legolas muttered. "You practically *are* a gross thing."  
"Are you questioning my knowledge, Elf!"   
"If that's what you call it, yeah."   
"Well have it your way, Elf!"  
"I have a name you know."  
  
Gimli grinned evilly and reached into his tunic. He pulled out a bar of Dove soap, carefully sealed in a plastic container. "Ha, stupid Elf! I have here in this little box the bane of all Dwarves! Now do   
you---"  
"O-oh! Soap! Thanks, Gimli, I really need this. I haven't bathed in two hours."  
"But..."  
  
"Fool of a...um... oh, never mind," Gandalf muttered. "What is it with lack of names here? Legolas, Pippin, Sam, Merry, and Frodo are the only ones who get last names! Well that's just stupid. From now on I will be Gandalf Grey, Gimli will be Gimli Slimly...no...that won't do...wait, he will be Gimli Flimsy, Aragorn will be Aragorn Imahorn, and Boromir will be Boromir Deadguy. Any objections?"  
  
Aragorn opened his mouth to say something, but Gandalf zapped him with his cane/walking stick/ staff/ tree branch. "Any objections?"  
  
Pippin opened his mouth and Gandalf aimed the multi-purposed zapping tool equipped with mine-lighting action at the hobbit's mouth. "Spare me!" screeched Pippin, holding his arms up in defense. "I just wanted to know when we could begin."   
  
"I don't---" started Boromir. Before he could finish, though, Elrond skied up behind him and said, in a deep voice, "Good-bye, Mr. Deadguy," making Boromir squeal a not-as-girlish-as-Legolas'-squeal and making him jump up into the air.  
  
"We can start now!" screeched Elrond, twirling around in circles. He twirled into the table, he twirled into Gandalf's chair, he twirled into Boromir, sending him flying up in the air again, he twirled into the door, he twirled into doorframe, and he twirled into the bathroom, tripped on the pink rug and landed headfirst into the toilet.  
  
Legolas calmly walked into the bathroom, flushed the toilet with Elrond's head still snugly fit into the bowl, then walked back to his chair. "Swirly," he said to Aragorn with a content smile.  
  
"DEALING!" screamed Sam suddenly. He grabbed the cards then jumped up onto the table and started throwing cards at each of their faces, including himself. "I'M DEALING, PEOPLE! DEALING, DEALING, DEALING!"  
  
"Sam---" started Pippin.  
"Shut-up, fool of a Took!" yelled Gandalf, beaning the hobbit on the head.  
  
"Uh...Sam? That's not how you deal," said Frodo, staring concerned at his team-mate and wondering if he should still play the game with him.  
"DEAL--- What? It's not?"  
"No."  
  
Sam looked up at the rest and, seeing their angry faces, blushed and sat back down.  
  
"Fool of a Gamgee," Gandalf muttered, watching the now unconscious Pippin drool on his sleeve.  
  
Frodo civilly dealt the cards and the game FINALLY started.  
  
"Alright," said Aragorn, taking charge as usual, "Write little check marks in the blanks next to the room, weapon, or suspect that you have."  
  
They started, but Pippin woke up with a start and screamed. "I didn't kill the oranges, mummsy dearest! I swear! It was Frankensteinbob!"   
"SHUT-UP, FOOL OF A TOOK!" roared Gandalf.  
"Well, sor-rey! I'm on an everlasting quest for knowledge, grampsy old chum!"  
"When did you start?" Legolas sneered. "Last week?"  
"Shut-up, girly Elf!"  
"Oh, like I haven't heard THAT one before!"  
"Your hair, face, and eyes are ugly. You walk like a clumsy oaf, you look like you're always wearing clothes made by Barbie. And you fight like a woman! And you smell like a wet dog. And you suck at videogames. Remember last week when Frodo and the rest of us invited you over to play The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers videogame and you sucked at being yourself? You couldn't even play Gimli. And he's the easiest character to be. And he also stinks."  
  
Legolas paled and the others snickered.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute..." said Gimli.  
  
"Very good, Pippin," said Gandalf with a smile. "But you are still a fool," he added quickly.  
  
Aragorn cleared his throat loudly. "As I was saying," he growled. "A check mark inside the box by a card that you hold in your hand."  
  
Okay...NOW they began the game.   
  
Everyone busily checked their little detective papers, Pippin and Legolas stopping every once in a while and mouthing out a word a few billion times before their faces finally lit up in understanding.   
  
"Hey, um, Aragorn?" asked Legolas looking at Gimli then to Aragorn. "What's a ku-nife?"   
Aragorn frowned. "Is it spelled k-n-i-f-e?"  
"Yeah."  
"That's 'knife', Legolas."  
"Oh. What is dan-druff? And does it taste good?"  
Aragorn looked oddly at the Elf. A thought struck him suddenly (which was quite rare) and he opened his mouth to voice it, but Pippin interrupted. "Aragorn? What's a re-volv-er?"  
"I...I don't know."  
"Well why the heck not?  
"It is because he is a bloobie, young hobbit," said Elrond solemnly. He had his wet hair tied up into a fluffy towel and the front of his robes was soaked. No, he did NOT have an accident, though Legolas mentioned this all to happily, earning him a bean in the head with Gandalf's staff. "Therefore he is almost completely devoid of any intelligence," finished Elrond.  
"But I thought that that was Legolas..."  
"Shut up, fool of a Took," Legolas muttered.  
"That is MY, um, thing...uh...well, anyways, it's MINE!" shouted Gandalf.  
  
"ANYWAYS!" yelled Aragorn fiercely. "We all know now that Legolas has the knife and Pippin has the revolver! We need to deal again."  
  
"I don't have the knife," said Legolas, "Gimli does."  
"What?"  
"I looked at his cards."  
Gimli gasped and gave Legolas a murderous look.  
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT OTHER PLAYERS' CARDS!" screamed Aragorn exasperatedly.  
"King Aragorn of Gondor," boomed Elrond, making Aragorn shrink back and look at the Lord in fear. "You will NOT raise your voice like that in my Home! Do you understand?"  
"Y-yes, Lord Elrond..."  
"Good. May it be known that Elves have very sensitive hearing, thus making even the whispers of wind known to our ears."  
  
"...He's very poetic, really," said Merry. Elrond looked at him, a goofy grin spreading across his face.  
"Really?" he squealed, clapping his hands.  
"Eh...really."  
"Really, really?"  
"Really, really," said Merry, somewhat impatient.  
"Really, really, really?"  
"Yes! Really!"  
"Really, really, really, rea---"  
"Ahh!"  
So...they dealt the cards again and Aragorn, at a very slow speed, explained the rules and object of the game. And they started again.  
  
They got along fine for the first ten minutes, but then (after finding another pair of hose stashed in Elrohir's drawers and putting them on) Elrond discovered that you could *really* annoy people when you fling your semi-wet hair in their faces as you ski past them.   
  
The reason the hose were in Elrohir's drawers were due to the fact that he had once drank a *little* to much wine and had tried skiing while shouting stupid rhythms, but unfortunately didn't get the thrill that his father did.   
  
So Elrond snatched them, put them on and resumed his annoying antics.   
  
And only after Aragorn and Legolas threatened to tear his hair of and make him wear a cheap toupee had he finally stopped and went back to just skiing...and crashing into objects...and scaring the heck out of Boromir...and calling Legolas a bloobie...and shouting out random little rhythms such as "Popcorn butter and leaves in your gutter, Aragorn's hair grease and roasted geese"...and...  
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER  
"I accuse Mr. Green in the Bathroom with the Comic Book," said Legolas, leaning back in his chair triumphantly.  
  
"Legolas," sighed Aragorn, "There is no Bathroom, there is no Comic Book, and we all no that you have the Mr. Green card. Are you insane?"  
"No. Why do you ask?"  
"Because you accused and innocent character of killing Mr. Boddy with a nonexistent weapon in a room that can't really be called a room and isn't even in the game!"  
"...Your point was?"  
"You lose the game if you're wrong," said Aragorn flatly.  
"Oh...okay. I accuse Mr. Green---"  
"Pippin, Merry, it's your turn," sighed Aragorn.  
Pippin squealed with delight and grabbed the die off the board. "Alrighty, Mr. Dice, show papa the money..." he said, shaking the die in his hands.   
  
"Come on, Pip, you can do it..." urged Merry. "...For the sake of us all, roll quickly!"  
Pippin nodded, sweat forming on his brow. He slowly let his hand open and the die rolled off it toward the board. It stopped, supernaturally, in mid-air and Pippin quickly grabbed the die again. "I can't do it!" he wailed. "I must...TALK to it!"  
  
Legolas gasped and became bug-eyed.  
  
"I must...DANCE for it!"  
  
Legolas swayed slightly, trying desperately to breath and Aragorn muttered, "Oh, good grief, not again..."  
  
"And I must...SING to it!"  
  
Legolas keeled over and fell out of his chair. Gimli howled with laughter as the Elf hit his head on the edge of the table and almost blew up laughing when Elrond skied over Legolas' hair, successfully ripping a good portion of his head. Aragorn and the rest hobbits repeatedly slapped their foreheads, muttering "Why me?" and "I'm gonna die...". Boromir screamed like a little girl as Legolas hit his head on the table, shouting "Oh, dumb Elf! Thou hast angered the sharp and/or pointy objects!"  
  
Pippin opened his mouth to sing.  
  
"AIIII!" Elrond's scream made them all jump and made Boromir fly into the air again, "Heeeeeeeeeelp meeeeeee....". Aragorn jumped up out of his seat, making it topple over, hand on the hilt of his sword. "'Tis Elrond! He is in peril," he said solemnly. "Shall we run, fellow men, or shall we ride? Whichever way we go, we must make haste! For the Lord is in peril!" He unsheathed sword and gave a kingly cry.  
  
Legolas rose, as if Pippin had never made him keel over, and stared solemnly at Aragorn. After a moment he couldn't come up with a response so he just grabbed his bow that was laying by the front door. Gimli jumped up to get his weapon, followed by the hobbits and Boromir, who had miraculously lost his phobia of sharp and/or pointy objects, for he picked up his sword as if the blade was no big deal.  
  
"The Lord Elrond is in peril, make haste!" yelled Aragorn again.   
To this, Legolas, still with his solemn expression, replied with: "No duh."  
  
"We must go swiftly, men!" cried Aragorn, ignoring Legolas. "And save the Lord Elrond!" When no reply came, he turned, sword still raised above his head, and saw his companions just staring at him with equally solemn expressions, save Pippin who was busy babbling on about "Elevensies" and "Second Breakfast".  
  
"Come fellow men!" shouted Aragorn again. "We must go, for my arm is starting to get tired, and the Lord is in per---"  
  
At that, Elrond skied out into the hall screeching the way only Elf Lords could, holding a manila folder in his hands. He stopped screeching for a moment, studied the folder closely, then started running toward Aragorn, resuming his deafening screech.  
  
Sadly, though, one cannot run in hose so it was more of a "run while screaming, slip and fall, then get up again, and continue screaming and running and falling" kind of thing.  
  
"Eee---" screeched Elrond, but was cut off when he fell. "Eee---" fall, "Eee---" fall, "Eee---" fall... This went one for about ten minutes, for the hall was very long and Elrond had become...brainless over the years.   
  
When Elrond finally managed to get to the table, Aragorn (who, as well as the rest of them, was rather disappointed that he couldn't save anyone, seeing as it had been a loooooooong time since he last did) and Legolas had played three games of Go Fish, Gimli had braided and re-braided his beard, Gandalf kept saying "Mellon. Mellon. I *knew* that one. I *knew* it!" over and over to himself, the hobbits danced and ate, and Boromir kept looking around suspiciously, and muttering to himself, and they had all played one game of clue.  
  
"I found it!" screamed Elrond giddily, slapping the folder down on the table.  
"Found what?" asked Aragorn, looking up.   
"Oh, don't look so forlorn, son!"  
  
At that moment, Pippin decided to break out in song. "SAM LIKES TATERS, SAM LIKE TATERS, BUT WHEN I SAY SOMETHIN' BAD--HINT HINT-- HE TURNS RED LIKE A MATER! DUH DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN! DUM DUMAH DUM DUMMMM! BLAHDY BLAHDY BLAAA---" He, of course, got beaned.  
  
"Fool of a Took," muttered Gandalf.  
  
"So...anyway...what were you saying?" asked Aragorn, looking flummoxed.   
"Er...um, yes," said Elrond, looking equally flummoxed. Aragorn and Elrond did a great job at looking flummoxed, 'cause they're the best flummoxers in all the world. Of course, Elrond is a better flummoxer looker than Aragorn, because he's older and that's where Aragorn learned how to look flummoxed...and somewhat constipated...  
  
"Yes, er, anyways, what I have here in my hands, gentlemen," said Elrond. "I the reason why all of you were summoned here tonight!"  
DUN DUN DUN!!! THE REASON WHY YOU ARE ALL HERE TONIGHT!!!! DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!  
I really truly wonder why it took me so long to write this chapter. Anywho, Thanks to Oddwen for my first review! And thanks to Emyreal and Stormhawk for the other two!   
  
Fanfiction.net screwed it up so you will have to try to figure it out a bit, but if the seating order was a bit confusing in the story here's a picture for you:  
  
Elrond  
_____  
Legolas1 1Aragorn  
Gimli 1 1Gandalf   
Boromir1 1Pippin  
Sam 1 1Merry  
-------  
Frodo   
  
I hope that helps. Please review and give me your thoughts!  
  
The next chapter will have the Super Sleuths AKA Haldir, Orophin, and Rùmil! Yeah!  
Oh, and I changed a few things in the first chapter to make it better so if you want to read it again... And "maters" means something else, I know, but maters in this story is short for "tomatoes". 


	3. Of Ears, Finishing Sentences, and Mr Sup...

Clue: Chapter Three  
  
"What on Middle-earth are you talking about, Master Elf?" demanded Gimli. "I thought I was here to steal all yer ale, matey! And loot yer hose stocks and taters! And take the sheep and women," he added as an afterthought. "BWA HA HA HA HA!"  
Elrond, Pippin, Merry, and Sam gasped. "NOOOOOO!" they wailed simultaneous.   
  
Gimli stared at them. "MARY-SUE! Get that cute butt out 'ere and welcome our visitors! And get me some more mutton, gosh darnit! I'm practically starvin' ta death, woman! What you wantin' me ta do? DIE?!"  
  
"Oh, shut up, fool of a Flimsy!" shouted Gandalf. "Can't you see that Elrond has something important to say?"  
  
"Shut yer mouth, you stupid, pointy hat wearin', ugly, foolish, yeller bellied, horse dung pinecone head!" screamed Gimli.  
All was silent as Gandalf turned a deep shade of crimson. But it was not out of embarrassment...  
  
There was a sharp crack that thundered through the House, nearly waking every Elf in Imladris.   
  
All stared at Gandalf, who was hovering over Gimli's unconscious body. The top part of his staff was dangling from the lower part and he was breathing heavily, contemplating on whether or not he should hit another one of them.  
  
Pippin saw this and quickly scrambled out of his chair and threw his arms up into the air, shouting, "Oh, wonderful Gandalf! Thou hast shutteth the moronic dwarf upeth! We thanketh thee, oh mighty...wizard-man! Please, spareth us from your terrible rage so that we may playeth the Clue game in one piece and not many...eth."  
  
Pippin closed his eyes, awaiting the bean on the head--or the whack. But Gandalf instead turned to Sam and hit him upside the head with his broken staff.   
  
"Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee," he shouted, "stop whimpering!"  
  
Elrond, enraged that Gandalf dared to hit his guests, grew tall, dark, and menacing like only Elf Lords and Ladies can. "Gandalf Grey!" he boomed. Gandalf stopped his staff headed for Aragorn's head for being such a fool and thinking that he had died in Moria in mid-swing and stared up at Elrond.   
  
"How *dare* you hit my guests!" shouted Elrond. "You have no right to perform such actions in Imladris."   
  
Gandalf frowned, growing angry. "And what have you to say about it, you pointy-eared fool?"  
  
Elrond stared at him, shocked.   
  
"That's right," said Gandalf with a smile, earning the desired action from Elrond, who started trembling with rage. "Your ears are stupid! They're too pointy and make you look like a freak. Stupid ears, stupid ears la la la la la la!" he sang, dancing around. "They're *pansy* ears!"  
  
Elrond shrunk back to normal size and skied toward Gandalf and punched him square in the face.   
"What in the world possessed you to do that?!" yelled Gandalf as he staggered backwards, holding his bleeding nose.  
"You called my ears stupid!" shouted Elrond in a child-like way. "You insulted my ears!"  
"So? What are you going to do about, you dumb Elf?"  
  
Elrond's eyes became little slits and, with a growl, he lunged at Gandalf. There was a dull thud as they both hit the floor.  
  
"Get off of my stomach!" yelled Gandalf, trying unsuccessfully to push the Elf Lord off of him.   
"No!" shouted Elrond stubbornly. "You called my ears stupid!"  
"That's because they are!"  
Elrond wrapped his fingers around the wizard's neck and started repeatedly knocking the Istari's head against the floor.   
  
"Ugly...old...man!" Elrond growled. "They...are...not...stupid!"  
Gandalf started making "ghack" noises, frightening the other guests and making Gimli, who had regained consciousness in the past few moments, howl with laughter.  
"I can't---breath!" choked Gandalf, and sent a glare at Gimli.  
"Say it! Say they're not stupid!" growled Elrond.   
"Never!"  
"Say it, you stupid duck!"  
"...a duck?" Gandalf made an attempt to laugh but it came out like "hurge".  
"SAY IT!"  
"All right, all right! Elrond Peredhil's ears are not stupid!"  
"And?"  
"They should be sliced off so no one should suffer from seeing them."  
"ARG!"  
"No, no! They should be revered above all other ears!" cried Gandalf as Elrond's grip tightened around his neck.  
"Very good," said Elrond with a smile. "Now what about the 'pansy' part?"  
  
At this time Aragorn and Legolas had snapped out of their stupor and were now dragging Elrond off Gandalf.  
  
"What about the 'pansy' part?!" screeched Elrond kicking his legs and squirming in vain to get free. "What about it? Huh? HUH? WHAT ABOUT THE PANSY PART?!" He started wailing about his ears having no respect as Legolas and Aragorn dragged him away from Gandalf, who was now standing and mumbling something about Elves and their ears.  
  
After a few moments Elrond had regained his composure and stood once again at the head of the table, holding his manila folder. He cleared his throat loudly so all he weren't listening--meaning Pippin, who was 'tra la la la la-ling' to himself--would pay attention to him.  
  
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old..." said Elrond, a solemn expression on his face.  
  
Legolas leaned forward and spoke to Aragorn as Elrond paused to look hard at each one of them in turn. "...Doesn't this seem...familiar?" whispered Legolas. Aragorn opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Pippin.   
  
"Oh, Valar!" cried the young hobbit. "I'm stuck in *this* dream again! Blah, blah, blah doom to the world blah, blah, blah we're all going to die if you don't do something blah, blah, blah I'm just a dumb Elf, not capable of doing anything but bossing people around blah, blah, bl--"   
  
Gandalf beaned 'im.  
  
Unfazed, Elrond continued: "You have been summoned here for...a reason other than to answer the threat of Mordor..." Elrond turned a deep shade of crimson. "I didn't really think of the rest of it..."   
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "So what else is new?"  
  
Elrond sent a death glare his way then tried to continue. "Uh... You have been, eh...summoned here?"   
"You said that already," said Merry flatly.  
"Strangers of all...lands?"  
"That too," said Gandalf, rolling his eyes.  
"Stupid cows from Bree?"  
"You al--no, wait..." said Pippin, scratching his chin thoughtfully.  
"Er, other than the threat--"  
"SAID IT!" yelled Aragorn.  
"...of Mordor?"  
"Master Elrond, sir, what is in the folder?" asked Sam quietly, pointing at the manila folder.   
  
Elrond stared at Sam blankly for a few moments before his face lit up. "Oooh! Thank you, Samwise!" he squealed, doing a little hop and making all, save Pippin, who was unconscious, and Sam, who just sat there and blushed, roll their eyes.  
  
"Now," said Elrond, "I will show you the *real* reason you were summoned here tonight! It is because of the fact that you are all being bla---"  
  
"Tra LA la la la LA! LA LA LA LA LA LA!" sang/screamed Pippin, suddenly regaining consciousness, and throwing his arms in the air. Unfortunately, his right hand hit Gandalf square in the nose and made the poor wizard tip his chair backwards and fall to the ground. Pippin made a hasty apology while Gandalf repeatedly whacked him on the head with his broken staff, all the while screaming "FOOL OF A TOOK!".   
  
When this small ordeal was over, Elrond continued, though rather uncertainly.   
  
"As I was saying," he said, pausing to clear his throat, "The *real* reason you were summoned here tonight was because all of you are being bla---"  
  
The front door opened suddenly with a loud bang, making all of them jump, save Elrond, who starting banging his fist down onto the table repeatedly and yelling at no one in particular.  
  
A bedraggled and wet Elf skidded into the hall and ran toward them, all the while trying to keep from falling flat on his face.   
  
"Lord Elrond! Lord Elrond!" he cried sliding a bit before, panting, he reached the table. "Forgive me if I am late, but I do have a good reason...Lord Elrond..." He looked uncertain and he had an odd tone in his voice.   
  
Elrond glared at him. "I was in the middle of talking!" he yelled, slamming his fist down onto the table. "Who raised you? I would really like to know, for if they are anywhere near as rude as you, then I wish to speak with them!" He slammed his fist down onto the table again, all the while glaring at the Elf.  
  
The Elf stared owlishly at him, not accustomed to this side of his Lord. "Has he been at the wine?" he asked, nudging Frodo a bit, who slapped his arm angrily.   
  
"I am not a thing which you can poke and prod, Master Elf, and it would be greatly appreciated if you didn't do so!" yelled the hobbit. "And, no, I have not seen him with any wine."  
  
The Elf sighed and walked to the head of the table. "Excuse me, Lord Elrond, but this is my seat."  
  
The guests watched in astonishment, save Pippin, who was 'tra la la la la-ling' again, as the Elf pushed Elrond aside and sat down at the head of the table. The Elf squirmed in his chair for a moment, trying to get comfortable, and Elrond kept muttering something over and over again as he stood by his side.  
  
"Elrond, why are you allowing such an Elf to do that to you?" asked Merry.   
"Because he is but a mere butler of Rivendell," said the Elf with a secretive smile. Elrond harrumphed loudly, stomping a foot.   
  
"Liar, liar pants on a telephone wire!" he yelled.   
"It's 'liar, liar pants on fire', Elrond," said the Elf.  
"Well, you would know...liar," muttered Elrond, crossing his arms and turning his back to the Elf.  
  
"No..." said Boromir. "He is *Lord* Elrond of Rivendell."  
"Imladris," corrected Aragorn.  
"Same thing."  
"Well, no, it's not the same thing. Rivendell and Imladris are spelled different and they don't rhyme and they don't---"  
"It *means* the same thing."  
"Oh, yes, it does."  
Boromir rolled his eyes and Aragorn stuck his tongue out at him, but quickly put it back in his mouth when Legolas pretended to try to cut it off, making Boromir once again scream "Oh, sharp and/or pointy objects!" and hide under the table.  
  
"Well, who are you then?" asked Gandalf, pointing at the Elf.   
"My name is Mylenia Superduperhappyman."  
"Mylenia?" Legolas snorted. "That is a name fit for a female!"  
"Why do you think people call me Mr. Superduperhappyman instead?" said Mr. Superduperhappyman with a frown.  
"Well, that name makes you sound like Barney or something," remarked Merry, punching Pippin in the shoulder.  
  
Pippin was suddenly inspired to sing.  
  
"SDHM!" he sang/screeched. "SUPERDUPERHAPPYMAN! SUPERDUPERHAPPYMAN! TRALALALALALALA! SUPER--DUPER--HAPPY--MAN! SQUISH 'EM ALL TOGETHER AND IT'S SUPERDUPERHAPPYMAN! DUCKS AND GEESE, SMEL-LY FEET! PORK RINDS, AND POR-CU-PINES! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! ...I can't think of anything else..."  
  
The reason Pippin had been able to sing until his song was finished was due to the fact that, though he tried, Gandalf couldn't hit him with his broken staff, for it fell short by a few inches and instead bonked its owner on the nose instead.  
  
Mr. Superduperhappyman stared, bewildered. "I am also your host," he said after a moment.   
Sam gasped. "But I thought Mister Elrond was our host!"  
"Wrong-o."  
"That is a stupid word!" snorted Elrond, hitting Mr. Superduperhappyman upside the head. "Don't use it!" Seeing that all was unnaturally quiet, he said: "The *real* reason you were invited tonight was because..." he paused and made sure everyone was listening. "Is because all of you are being blackmailed!"   
  
He smiled broadly as he finally finished his sentence.  
  
~  
~  
~  
~  
~  
  
Short? Yes. Well, maybe. It was four pages long. Stupid? Yes. Lacking in humor? Uh...maybe. You tell me. Sorry it took so long. You can all thank punky for it being up today ; ) He...pushed me to write faster.   
  
Me muse (I guess you could call him Elrond since he...uh...*is* Elrond): HE YELLED AT US! *sniff* Waaaaahh!! *runs off to ski with story-Elrond*  
  
Anywho, I wrote another story. It's one of those Fan mail things were you--the prized, wonderful, great, etc. reviewers ASK QUESTIONS (hint hint...couldn't get more obvious) and the characters ANSWER THE QUESTIONS. So...yeah. It looks like The Super Sleuths will have to wait. *sigh* Poor, unappreciated Elves.   
BYE! I hope to get the next chapter up before next week! 


	4. The Reasons as to Why They are Being Bla...

Clue: Chapter Four  
  
"OHMIGOD!" screamed Pippin. All others gasped.  
  
"Are you saying, Master Elrond, that we are all being blackmailed?" asked Sam.  
  
"DUH!" yelled Elrond. "You moronic popcorn-plant-head guy...person...thing..."  
  
"You totally ripped off my lines!" screamed Pippin. "OHMIGOD! You are a ripping off lines guy! You are EVIL! EEEEEEEEEEE-VIL!"  
  
"And you are STUPID! STUUUUUUUUU-PID!" Elrond screamed back.  
  
"And I am getting a HEADACHE! HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAD-ACHE!" screamed Aragorn.  
  
"Good grief, you people are morons," muttered Legolas, supernaturally making them all shut up. "Oh, cool."  
  
"Anyways," said Mr. Superduperhappyman irritably, "Elrond, please continue---WITHOUT screaming, if you don't mind."  
  
"Screaming is how I express myself," replied Elrond.  
  
"That's nice. Just don't express yourself while I'm here."  
  
"I second that!" said Legolas.  
  
Elrond glared at him.   
  
"So anyways, you are all being blackmailed," he said.  
  
"You said that alr---" began Boromir, but he stopped when he saw that the whole table was glaring at him. "Uh...do continue," he said instead, forcing a nervous smile.  
  
"For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can, in some cases, paying in taters, ale, and mushrooms, to those who threaten to expose you." He paused to study each of the guests' faces. "And none of you know who is blackmailing you, do you?" he asked.  
  
"I SWEAR I have never ever, ever, ever never ever, ever NEVER ever, ever done anything worth getting blackmailed for!" cried Frodo. "EVER!"  
  
"Anyone else choose to use lots of words to deny it?" asked Elrond, raising an eyebrow.  
  
All the guests look at each other, but no one said anything. Besides Sam.  
  
"I don't know lots of words," he said.  
  
"That's nice, popcorn-plant-head," said Elrond with a smile. "Fine. Since we are all in the same boat...wait, THERE IS NO BOAT!" He gasped. "I SUCK at writing speech doohickeys! No, I mean I *really* suck!"  
  
"That's nice," muttered Mr. Superduperhappyman.  
  
"So, anyways, I'm going to tell you stuff, 'kay? 'Kay."  
  
"Might you spare us this humiliation?" asked Merry hopefully.  
  
"Actually? No. Boromir Deadguy, you were once the Steward of Gondor, and your job was trying not to grow paranoid and eventually became crazy like your father, correct?"  
  
"Erm...yes, but now Aragorn's the King and I just work at Steak 'N Shake, " replied Boromir.  
  
"Really?" Elrond's eyes became large. "Can I have coupons?"  
  
"Uh...no."  
  
"Poo...but you don't try not to grow paranoid or crazy like your father anymore, do you?"  
  
"Why?" asked Legolas. "What did he do?"  
  
"How can he when his father is dead?"  
  
"...Wait, what?"   
  
"He can't not become paranoid and crazy if his father is dead!"  
  
"So...he's paranoid and crazy now because his father is dead?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Then...what in the world are you talking about, Elrond!?"  
  
"What I am SAYING is, since his father is dead he cannot do his job, therefore he is being blackmailed."  
  
Legolas looked at Boromir, astonished. "...Gosh, Bor, I didn't know you could get so stupid!"  
  
Boromir glared at him. "I am not stupid."  
  
"EVERYONE knows about your father's suicide! Er...death... So it's okay if you don't do your...job..."  
  
"Wait, they know?"  
  
"YES!" shouted everyone, minus Elrond, who was tapping his foot impatiently.  
  
"Then...why in the world am I paying the blackmailer guy half of my Steak 'N Shake check every two weeks?"  
  
"To tell you the truth, Boromir, I have no idea," said Aragorn, shaking his head.  
  
"Oh, what a stupid retard," muttered Frodo.  
  
"Are you making judgments on the rest of the guests' intelligence?" asked Elrond, appearing in front of the hobbit and sticking his face down in his. "How, then, do you justify beating an old woman with an umbrella until she turned into a prune because she was standing at you front door?"  
  
"Uh...she already looked like a prune."  
  
Legolas snickered.   
  
"No, she did not, Mr. Baggins."  
  
"Please don't do that."  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Call me 'Mr. Baggins' like that."  
  
"So you don't want me to say Mr. Baggins, right?"   
  
"No, just don't say it in that evil...deep...uh, how did it sound?"  
  
"Mr. Baggins."  
  
"Yeah, like that! ...Don't do that!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"It reminds me of something."  
  
"Mr. Baggins."  
  
"Stop it!"  
  
"Mr. Anderson."  
  
"...O-o-o-okay..."  
  
"Mister Anderson."  
  
"Don't."  
  
"Mister Anderson. Notice how I am draaaaaaaaawing the 'Mister' part out...From now on, I am going to say 'Mister' instead of 'Mr.'. ...Mister Anderson."  
  
"Please stop. It is really creepy."  
  
"Mister Anderson!"  
  
"I'm warning you!"  
  
"Mis-ter Ander-son!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"MISTER ANDERSON!"  
  
"He is FREAKING me OUT!" screamed Frodo to Sam.   
  
Sam nodded ruefully. "Yes, Mister Frodo."  
  
"Anyways, Frodo Baggins here," said Elrond hitting Frodo on the head, "thought the old woman was going to steal his 'magic socks' so he beat her with an umbrella until she looked like an old prune."  
  
Legolas laughed and Aragorn, Gandalf, and Boromir sighed. The hobbits just stared. Mr. Superduperhappyman muttered things under his breath.  
  
"Aye, the chickens be peckin' at 'is brains they is!" said Gimli.   
  
All stare at him.   
  
"Eh...in other words, he doesn't have a brain."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"I did NOT beat an old lady with an umbrella!" cried Frodo.  
  
"Yes, yes, blah, blah, blah, we are all happy to hear that, I'm sure," said Elrond flatly. "But you have been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the gumball wrapper comics."  
  
"Well, I'm willing to believe you," said Merry. "I too am being blackmailed for something I didn't do."  
  
"Me too," said Gandalf.  
  
"And me," said Aragorn.  
  
"Not me," said Legolas. He grinned and stood up.  
  
"You're not being blackmailed?" asked Elrond in surprise.  
  
"Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right," said Legolas walking over to Elrond. "But I did what I'm being blackmailed for."  
  
"What did you do?" asked Boromir with interest.  
  
"Well, to be perfectly frank," sighed Legolas, turning his back to Elrond, "I run a salon."  
  
All, minus Elrond, who is busy trying not to go blind from the light reflected off of Legolas' hair, stared at the blonde Elf.  
  
"...And that's bad in what way?" asked Aragorn.   
  
"Oh, well, you see, I have created a line of hair-care products--maybe you've heard of them. They're called 'Glamourizing'."  
  
"Oh, I use that!" cried Elrond. He was now wearing black shades because he had given up trying to block Legolas' shinyness.  
  
Legolas turned to look at him, hands on his hips. "I know," he said with a smirk. "...Has anyone told you that you look positively evil with those on?" he asked.  
  
"Really? I thought they just protected my eyes from the shinyness."  
  
"Yeah, well, they freak me out."  
  
"That's nice."  
  
"Please continue, Legolas," said Boromir.  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes then said, "I put a 'not tested on animals' thing on the back, but, in fact, they actually *are* tested an animals."  
  
Merry and Pippin gasped and Frodo and Sam fainted. Gandalf laughed, Aragorn rolled his eyes, Gimli 'ar'ed, and Boromir grew pale and horror-stricken.   
  
"Those poor animals..." he whispered, tears coming to his eyes.   
  
"Well, quite frankly, animals are animals," said Aragorn simply.  
  
"Is Aragorn one of you clients?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"Certainly not!" cried Aragorn.  
  
"I was asking Legolas, Aragorn," said Gandalf.  
  
"Well, you tell him it's not true!" said Aragorn to Legolas.  
  
"It's not true," said Legolas. "Just look at his hair!"  
  
"Oh, is that true?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"No, it's not true," replied Legolas, sitting back down in his chair.  
  
"A-ha! So it is true!"  
  
  
  
"A double negative!" cried Elrond.  
  
"A double 'negative'?" asked Aragorn. "You mean you have photographs?"  
  
"What in the world are photographs?" asked Legolas.  
  
"That sounds like a confession to me," said Elrond. "In fact, the photographs have led to prove positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away."  
  
"Are you trying to make me look stupid?" asked Aragorn.   
  
"Hardly. You don't need my help for that, Aragorn."  
  
"You're darn-tootin'! ...Wait..."  
  
"What are photographs?" asked Legolas.  
  
"But seriously," said Boromir, "I don't see what's so terrible about Aragorn using hair-care products. Eru knows he needs it."  
  
"Watch it," growled Aragorn.   
  
"Most Kings do, don't they?"  
  
"Yes, but he has lots and lots of guards at Gondor and stuff, plus he rides a *really* pretty/expensive horsie, don't you Aragorn?" asked Elrond.  
  
"I don't," said Aragorn. "I grew up and became King and got lots of money when my mommy and daddy died."  
  
Elrond stared at Aragorn.  
  
"Erm...yes... Okay, good. Merry, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since Mrs. Blabberdolt's dog died under, shall we say, 'mysterious circumstances'."  
  
"I didn't kill it," said Merry with a frown.  
  
"Then why are you paying the blackmailer?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Well, I don't want a scandal do I? We had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was stupid...mad. He didn't actually seem to like me very much. He bit the seat of my pants off in public."  
  
"Why would he want to bite the seat of your pants off in public?" asked Legolas.  
  
"I think he meant that the dog, in public, bit off the seat of his pants," said Elrond.  
  
"...That's what I said," said Legolas, confused.  
  
"Oh. Well, then please continue."  
  
"So what happened?" asked Pippin.  
  
"The dog died."  
  
"But you weren't the one who died, were you Merry?" said Elrond.   
  
"...No, I didn't die." Merry looked at Elrond half-concerned, half-frightened.  
  
"What was the dog like?" asked Legolas.  
  
"It was a dog," said Merry flatly. "A brown dog. A *small* brown dog. I didn't kill it. I was out eating mushrooms with Pippin all night."  
  
"Do you miss it?"  
  
"Legolas, the dog bit my BUTT!"  
  
"Your pants," Sam corrected.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Yes," said Elrond, "but Mrs. Blabberdolt's dog was the second dog that had bit you in the rear---"  
  
"Pants," corrected Sam.  
  
"Right. Pants. Mrs. Blabberdolt's dog was the second dog that had bit your *pants*. The first dog that had also died."  
  
"I didn't kill it."  
  
Gandalf cleared his throat so everyone would turn their attention to him and stood.  
  
"I have something to say," he said. "I'm not going to wait for Elrond here to unmask me. I am a wizard."  
  
"Duh," muttered Legolas.  
  
"And I'm am also nerd."  
  
Aragorn looked at Gandalf, frightened and tried to get away, but Elrond put a hand on his shoulder and forced him back down.  
  
"Sit."   
  
"Meep..."  
  
"Please take the sunglasses off," pleaded Frodo.  
  
"No."  
  
"I trashed Mr. Personguy's flower shop and stole all of his mushrooms," sighed Pippin, drawing all attention to himself.  
  
"I stole a few of Mr. Personguy's gardening supplies after Master Pippin trashed his store," said Sam. "I also got drunk and ran around in my underwear one night in the Shire."   
  
"...Bad mental picture, BAD mental picture!" cried Legolas.  
  
"I threw mithril in a swift river once because I thought that if I did I would be able to fly," said Gimli.  
  
All stared at him.   
  
"Oh, good Eru," muttered Legolas, letting his head drop with a thud onto the table. "He was a moron even *before* the Quest!"  
  
"I resent that," said Gimli.  
  
"Well that leaves Mr. Superduperhappyman," said Boromir.  
  
"What's his little secret?" asked Legolas.  
  
"His secret?" asked Elrond. "Oh, haven't you guessed? He's the one who's blackmailing all of you."  
  
Everyone, minus Elrond, who was fiddling with one of his braids, turned to stare at Mr. Superduperhappyman, who looked extremely satisfied.  
  
All was silent.  
  
"Good grief, how in the *world* did I do this to my hair?" asked Elrond, holding up one of the braids and studying it. He grinned. "I must be special."   
  
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Sorry it took so long, guys. I hope you like it. It's a little shorter than other chapters, but at least it IS a chapter. Or...something.  
  
punky, *bangs head on keyboard resulting in asfhadfhjsetjknmcafhjbfjksgsgf ahadfsdh ahasdfhjsdf appearing on the screen* Sorry. *sheepish smile* I didn't look at your bio thing. *bangs head on keyboard again*  
  
Oddwen, thanks for reviewing! Um...about the way I write Elrond...well, he seems to just...write himself. I like the Elf though :P And a few...'things' will be explained in the final chapter.  
  
HobbitLoverLady, ...meep! Sorry, couldn't write the story any other way...  
  
gina, um...no. I mean Clue.  
  
Disclaimer: You know that song with the chorus "If I could *fall* into the sky"? Well, if that was possible then I'd own Lord of the Rings. BUT! Since it *isn't * possible, then I don't own it! 


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